I Screamed, You Screamed, We All Screamed at These Ice Creams

If there is one thing my mother can tell you about me when I was a child is, I was a fussy eater. I liked my food prepared just so and sometimes would refuse to eat two things on a plate that happened to touch. The only time when this little rule flew out of the window was when it came to ice cream. A strawberry and chocolate swirl would always hit the spot, and I would have never stopped you had you wanted to load my bowl with four different scoops from four different tubs.

But even that little adventurous streak is challenged here in China with flavor combinations I never thought possible. Recently, our beijinger colleague Joey Knotts taste-tested some of the newest and weirdest ice-cream flavors he could find, resulting in a hilarious series of reviews that we’ve republished below.

Strap in for a wild flavor ride as we explore the sweet, the sour, and salty of the Ice-cream world in Beijing. For a laugh, purchase some of these yourselves, and set up a taste test with your kids and see how they react. You might all be in for a world of fun and raucous laughter.

German Black Beer

A poor attempt at the shape of a beer bottle

To be honest, given the quality of some of the “German” black “beer” that one comes across in Beijing, we anticipated that this would be among the worst flavors we tried, but it ended up being one of the best. Coming in a poor attempt at the shape of a beer bottle, this ice cream hits you with a typical chocolate flavor, followed by a savory, quite beer-like aftertaste from the brown-colored filling.

Our rating: 88 out of 99 alcohol-free beers on the wall.

Meat Floss and Seaweed Ice Cream

At first, it looks like an innocent bar of ice cream

Here’s an ice cream that will give you flashbacks to images of undercooked “hot dogs” plopped into soft bread and topped with bits of pork and fish thinner than a human hair. At first, it looks like an innocent bar of ice cream, perhaps with some sort of flavored sprinkles inside but it tastes… like meat floss and seaweed. As advertised. Blech.

Our Rating: 4 out of 5 dentists would not recommend flossing with this creamsicle.

Ice Cream for Breakfast: Eggs and More Eggs

“The “salted duck egg rice cake dumpling” ice cream.”

Salted duck egg seems to be quite the trend in the ice cream world, these days.

First up, the “salted duck egg rice cake dumpling” ice cream. Rather than in bar form, these came in two cute little bun shapes, and we are pretty sure that the inside is a real duck egg yolk! Points for authentic ingredients, demerits for tasting exactly like cat food.

Our rating: 1 out of 2 dandan.

Then we tried the “double egg yolks” ice cream bar. This was essentially a toned-down version of the cake dumpling – more artificial, but also far more tolerable on the tongue.

Our rating: 6 out of 10 unborn ducklings.

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Bursting Durian

“You can smell this ice cream as soon as it’s out of the packaging”

Yes, it’s the flavor you’ve been waiting for. You can smell this ice cream as soon as it’s out of the packaging, and the flavor is even stronger. Then, once you reach the gooey, green inside, it’s even stronger. Ultimately, your opinion of this ice cream will be determined by your opinion of durian, because the taste is spot on.

Also, your burps will taste like durian, even if you tried six other ice creams in the same sitting.

Our rating: 1 out of 50 durian fruit spikes.

Release the Kraken (From My Mouth): Squid-Flavored Ice Cream

“It tastes like a squid threw up”

If you like squid – it doesn’t matter. This ice cream does not taste like squid. It tastes like a squid threw up into a vat of cream and froze the resulting concoction onto a stick. Please do not make the mistake of eating it.

Our rating: 2 out of 10 tentacles.

Cheese Ice Cream

“This ice cream is downright delicious.”

Dairy plus dairy. What could go wrong? As it turns out, nothing. With hints of strawberry and a subtle enough cheese flavor, this ice cream is downright delicious. Do give it a try if you get the chance.

Our rating: 9 out of 10 swiss cheese holes.

Dongbei Iron Pot Ice Cream

“It’s a result of corporate groupthink gone wrong.”

One of the more interesting new ice creams on the market, this little pie actually boasts one of the highest quality creams of the bunch. Unfortunately, it is mixed with more meat floss and some sort of cooked vegetables, a blending that anyone with a functional palate should have known wouldn’t jive. We’re guessing it’s a result of corporate groupthink gone wrong.

Our rating: Too many chefs out of 1 kitchen.

Doughnut Ice Cream – in the Shape of Doughnuts!

“Admittedly, they taste nothing like doughnuts”

Thinking of putting a ring on it? Forget the expensive diamonds, these ring-shaped sweets are just RMB 34. Admittedly, they taste nothing like doughnuts, but the colorful insides have a light, fruity sweetness and they are fun to try and squeeze onto your fingers.

Our rating: 7 out of 8 Homer Simpson fingers.

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Photos: Joey Knotts, Zhihu, QQ, giphy

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